It’s strange isn’t it?

Life is strange I always seem to have such good intentions but for some reason find it difficult to focus on that one goal and achieve the success that I do want but I suppose I am really too lazy to get off my ass and do it!

I am feeling quite down in the dumps. Take TOH for example he goes to work each day and on the way home goes to the gym and comes in to a cooked dinner he may wash up a pan or two but that is about the extent of his domesticity. Then he says I need to make time for myself to go to the gym yeah that’s ok if there is nothing else to do but perhaps I am using that as an excuse?

For example on a Monday I am supposed to finish work at 2 that never happens and I finish at 4 to collect the YD from homework club and then get in about 4.30 cook tea for her and get organised for Brownies at 6, come home get dinner for me and TOH organised , collect the YD from brownies at 7.30 get in. Have dinner with TOH when he comes in then tidy up and it’s 9 before you know it, vegetate and then bed.

Each day seems to have a similar pattern.

Am I subconsciously sabotaging any chance to go to the gym or do exercise but putting other things in their place? I do feel resentful that TOH can be so self centred in doing what he wants and have I put myself in that subservient role of having to get dinner do chores etc…

Now the one aim I had I have completely failed at, I feel that I have totally let myself down, I am angry and feel that I haven’t been supported and the consequence of that is not to look at what I am eating and to have several large glasses of wine at a weekend.

It is a self destruct attitude and results in such self loathing that the cycle seems impossible to break. For most of the time it’s well hidden I have always tried to have a smile on my face and be positive in my outlook but sometimes the little monster inside me takes control. What does it matter you are fat anyway what will another glass of wine do?

I know it sounds silly but I am a weak human I need to have that self control and self belief that I am so lacking.

I know that most people would say stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it, that is a good call! For some reason I find it hard to value myself to take the steps that will put me on the path to achieving the goals I want to achieve.

Anyway after a big gap from posting I hope to take some little steps to be the person I know I am!


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